#7: When other waiters tell you how to do your job.

We work in the same restaurant, get the same customers, and earn the same tips, yet some other waiters have a knack at pissing you off because they think they know something you don't. Advice from other waiters is only welcome if you ask for it, yet these people think they have an understanding above everyone else. They brag about the money they make and they think everyone else is an idiot. They have no problem telling everyone else that they carry the tray wrong or that they need to remember to put less ice in their drinks. Yet, despite their brazen assholery, they get offended when you tell them to shut the fuck up. Other waiters who tell you how to do your job are really annoying, yet they think they're being helpful. They will never realize that no one cares if they think our milkshakes are too thin or if they say our uniform needs to be ironed. It won't change shit above the fact that we think they're assholes.

#6: Cheap ass Regulars

Every restaurant, coffee house, and mall food court enjoys the assholes who come everyday and order the same thing. Sometimes they try to become "friends" with the staff, acting as though they're 'in' on all the jokes. These people usually have no friends, so it's kind of sad to see them. Other times there is something off about these customers. For these people there is a legitimate reason that they come everyday. Perhaps the home they're living in is across the street, and other times they are mentally challenged and they need a stable factor in their lives. Yet, amongst all the different people who congregate within your place of work day after day, there's always the few entitled assholes who come and fuck with your time. Cheap ass regulars come everyday, and think that they can leave you a shitty tip based solely on that fact. They're always a pain in the ass, wasting your time as you run back and forth to get everything that they need, knowing inside that you will not be rewarded for their assholery. The entire staff is immediately pissed off by the sight of them walking in the door. No one ever wants to deal with these people. Cheap ass regulars feed off of the souls of the people who have worked at your location the longest, because they know that their jobs suck and that they can fuck with them. Cheap ass regulars usually are cheap ass regulars in many different places in a given area, so it's no use searching for a new job to get away from them. Their $2 tips on a $75 tab will haunt you no matter where you go.

Even worse than cheap ass regulars are people who stiff you. This shall be the topic of a future post, so we shall waste no time discussing it here.

#5: People on cellphones

People on cellphones are hated in every industry because they are the biggest fucking douche bags on the planet. For some strange reason, people on cellphones think that their time is more important than everyone elses. They never take into consideration the fact that other people are inhabiting the same space, and that no one wants to hear about their bullshit lives. The worst part of people on cellphones, as a waiter especially, is when you approach them and they stick up their finger and look at you as if you are the asshole. Oh, really, you need another minute? Fuck you. Whenever someone shows me their "I need another minute" finger/face, I get so pissed that I give them the worst service of their lives. When other people speak to them during their super important phone conversation, they often become so annoyed that they thrash about and exibit the most ridiculously over emphasized displays of body language, similar to the behavior of a frustrated toddler. The most skilled people on cellphones are so engulfed in their conversations that they truly have no idea that other people are around them, attempting to communicate. These people can be easily avoided, as they always have a finger covering or stuck in their 'naked' ear so that no outside diversions can distract them.

People on cellphones are elusive, however, because they often claim to hate other people on cellphones, completely unaware of the fact that they themselves are guilty of the same crime. People on cellphones are always rude to people in the service industry, looking down on them and often not even making eye contact. Just who do WE think WE are? Sorry for inhabiting your space, people on cellphones. Sheesh.

#4: When people tell you that they're in a rush.

I hate when people tell me that they're in a rush. I really don't give a shit, because there is nothing that I can do about it. In fact, there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Customers in a rush act as though they deserve priority over other guests, which I find to be pure bullshit. Just because your son has karate practice in 5 minutes doesn't mean that the cooks are going to give a fuck. If you're so damn busy, just don't go out!

There is so much more that I want to say about this because I find it to be so rude. These people also ALWAYS order the biggest/most complicated/longest cooking thing on the damn menu. I'm sorry miss, but your turkey pot pie will not be ready in under 10 minutes. It is probably going to take 20, and since you're in a rush I might even consider telling you that it takes a half hour so that you'll leave and stop pestering me, bitch.

#3: Crotchety Old People

Who's that at table 42? Oh Jesus, it's that old bitch that always orders coffee and eggs-- EVEN THOUGH WE STOP SERVING BREAKFAST AT 10. Yet she somehow always gets it, because she bitches. I hate crotchety old people.

The biggest problem with crotchety old people is that they don't give a shit about looking like a dick. If they're pissed, you know it, and they're damn well going to yell about it! They're never comfortable, the food is never hot enough and the restaurant is always too damn cold! They tell you that they can't remember the last time they got good service, yet here they are, bothering you. Fuckers.

#2: Creepy Cooks

Creepy cooks are the worst, especially if you're a female and/or gay guy. Creepy cooks will do anything to try and get you to look at something that kind of resembles a penis and/or is their actual penis. Then they laugh and make fun of you in Spanish. No part of creepy cooks is fun, especially when you speak Spanish. When you speak Spanish, the creepy cooks know that they can converse with you. This is never beneficial, so don't even fall into their trap. When creepy cooks mess up the food your tables order, they try and blame you and then get really mad and insult you. Then they try and get you to look at a pickle or a hotdog. Like I said, it's never fun.

Also, it doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend or a husband, even if he looks more badass than Rambo. Creepy cooks don't have common sense, so they're still going to attempt to look at your underwear when you bend down. They always tell you how they're better than your boyfriend too. Like I said, conversing is never beneficial. And don't even try to get them fired, because you're not the first person who they've shown their boner to. Creepy cooks do a really good job of never getting fired for sexual harassment, even though they've shown their dick to everyone.

#1: When people order waters with their drinks.

"Could I get a diet coke and a water?"

This makes me seethe. California is currently in a water crisis, yet assholes still feel the need to order a water with their beverage of choice. 99% of the time they don't even fucking drink it. It's most annoying because it is an extra drink to carry. Often times people order upwards of 4 drinks- 3 of which are most likely unnecessary. Water is always amongst these 3.

People who are guilty of this annoying crime always have a bullshit defense for it. Their excuses include ridiculous ideas such as the notion that ordering a water with a drink will keep them from consuming too much sugar. This is stupid because you already consumed a syrupy soda to begin with, so you're only fooling yourself (and the culprits are often the assholes who order drinks like cherry coke that are basically just pure corn syrup anyway). Other times they argue that they are really thirsty. I understand this, yet I'm a believer in not counting my chickens until they've hatched. Drink one drink at a time, I promise you I'll get you a refill quickly.

And yet, while these people are annoying, they aren't half as bad as the assholes who only order water to save money. To these people I say, "fuck you". If you can't afford a fucking diet coke, don't go out and waste everyone's time! Just because you saved $2.00 on your $25.00 tab doesn't mean that you can give me a smaller tip. It just means that you're an asshole.